The game I’ll be talking about in this post is the Witcher. Released in 2009, the Witcher is based on a series of novels written by a Polish author, Andrzej Sapkowski (I have no idea how to pronounce that). It’s a role playing action game, where you make decisions for the main character, Geralt (pronounced Ger-ult, where the G is like the G in gum). Geralt is a Witcher, a modified human who specializes in dealing with the supernatural. However, Geralt has had an incident occur to him, resulting in him losing his memory. Fortunately, his Witcher friends in the tutorial help him (i.e., you) get the hang of using your sword, spells and potions.
The Witchers have been attacked by a group who call themselves Salamandra. They have stolen the Witchers’ scrolls and secrets and have started to put them to bad use. The few Witchers who remain have split up to search for Salamandra. Geralt’s search takes him to the village that lies on the outskirts of Vizima.
“Geralt, you have to help the poor woman who’s stuck outside the gates!”
Ah yes, tis’ I. Kanra the Silver King, here commanding the white haired Witcher known as Geralt. Fortunately, Geralt knows how to wave his sword around and I think I can lead him well enough to save the poor woman BUT FIRST I MUST RAID ALL THE BARRELS AND CLICK ALL THE CLICKABLE THINGS.
If this was a real time game, all these NPCs would be pretty sick of me by now, and it’s only been about two minutes into the chapter. Nevertheless, I bravely lead Geralt out to slaughter the demon dogs who have been attacking the woman and have already killed her. Perhaps I should not have been looking through people’s barrels…
Fortunately, her son of sorts, named Alvin, is safe and has just started mysteriously floating in the air with light coming from behind him like he’s some sort of angel before uttering a horrifying prophecy, all with a straight face. I am mildly disconcerted. Geralt thinks this is completely normal. Then again, he doesn’t have many facial expressions to choose from either.
There’s a orange haired woman named Shani who says she can help Alvin recover from his ordeal. Shani acts like I know her. I’ve never seen this woman in my life. Geralt doesn’t know who she is either but he’s got amnesia so we decide to ask her to explain herself. She’s a friend of Geralt’s apparently.
My objective is to find the Reverend, the leader of this village, so that I could ask him about Salamandra. My journal tells me he should be around here somewhere, so I search the inn thoroughly, several times until I at last come to the conclusion that the Reverend isn’t here. What’s the point of this map anyway? It’s all dark and I have no idea where to go or where the Reverend is. Does it want me to aimlessly explore?
I start aimlessly exploring, killing demon dogs on my way. I’m making a lot of circles and loops, talking to peasants and travelers on the road (hoping they’d tell me where the Reverend is). I saved one of the peasants from a demon dog and ran up to them to see how they would thank me. Geralt misinterpreted my command and proceeded to stab said peasant with his sword. I screamed and ran away from the peasant. I did not look back and ran half a mile away where I could no longer hear them yelling “Stop him!”
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT OKAY.
I finally find the Reverend and he looks like a nutcase. He wants me to light some candles at altars scattered around the village. That means running through all the grass lands and dirt paths again. I really wish I could get a bike. It’s awfully stressful watching Geralt run and run and run. I feel like all this virtual exercise is psychologically making ME lose weight.
Every time I light an altar, there are three demon dogs at my heels. I usually run away from them.
The last altar is near the inn I was at from the start. I see there are bandits near the gates, and I, leading my Witcher, decide to beat those bandits up! I push Geralt into the battle and he waves his sword and manages to kill most of the bandits (until his health drops and I run away from the battle, heal Geralt and come back at a different angle) when I see that there’s a woman fighting the bandits too! Once we defeat the bandits, she thanks Geralt for the help and then asks if he could escort her to her home.
I was in a bit of a hurry and in my haste, agreed to help her out.
I couldn’t even find the Reverend’s house, how was I supposed to find this random lady’s house? I searched the inn thoroughly, she kept following me, I tried talking to her but all she’d say was “Hurry up, I haven’t got all night!” in this really annoying sort of way. Like wow, thanks Lady, no address? Not even a street number? How am I supposed to get you anywhere at all?
I decide to just roam around the village, knocking at random doors until we find her house. Unfortunately, we get attacked by demon dogs again. Geralt pulls out his sword and the random Lady has her knife out and we start butchering the dogs until I notice that the Lady’s health bar is going down. The dog lunges at her, bites her and she falls to the ground and dies.
I meet a witch named Abigail and I like her very much- except the entire village wants to kill her with fire. I decide to run in and warn the witch about the blood thirsty crowd outside.
“Abigail! Don’t die! I’ll save you, unlike the poor waitress I couldn’t protect-“
Needless to say, Abigail is grateful but-
“Abigail, no. No. Don’t turn this into a shippy romance sim game cause I’m not shipping myself- I mean, Geralt- with anyone in this game!! Although now that I think about it, why are all the women around Geralt red/orange haired?!”
I manage to block Abigail from trying to flirt with me by walking out of the cave she’s hiding in to confront the mass of angry villagers outside. They want blood. I go back in to fetch Abigail and I tell the Reverend that he’ll have to deal with me.
I really didn’t expect them to attack me but they did. What do you expect from fat merchants and nutcase Reverends to do against a Witcher? I slayed everyone pretty easily and took all their money (they didn’t have an awful lot, I’ll tell you that) when the greatest dog demon of the demon dogs arrived.
I uh… I died a couple of times…
When I finally manage to defeat the dog with Abigail’s help, I go back to the inn where Shani is waiting for me. The entire village I pass through is eerily quiet, there’s no one anywhere and I’ve realized that I’ve killed the entire population.
The inn is empty too and I figured I could give Shani something since she was waiting through all the deaths I had, so I looked through my inventory and saw that I had 2 red shawls. Item description: Perfect gift for a lady.
Shani. Take the shawl. I have two of these. Take it. I said take it. Why won’t you take it!!!!! It’s a gift!!! Haven’t your parents taught you anything about accepting gifts?!!!
Essentially, I mentally yell a lot while I play games. I should definitely start my own Youtube channel :p